After shocks of suffering

Here’s a little insight into the mind and heart of a parent of a sick child …
If you are a parent, have you ever lost your child in a store or somewhere? If so, you probably can easily remember how you likely stayed (somewhat!) calm while rushing through aisles and peering under clothing racks? Then, as soon as you found your little runaway, didn’t you feel like completely breaking down crying, ironically once your child was safe and sound?

That is the best way I can explain my current feelings. Gracie’s body has responded wonderfully to the chemo. She still has 18 months of chemo to go, but the chemo we have left to endure is not nearly as hard on her body. Thankfully, her brightness is coming back now that she’s able to drastically reduce her anti-nausea meds. She’s getting to happily re-enter normal life. It’s wonderful.

And sometimes I feel so great. So much more relaxed than I felt for about 9 months. But every few hours, I experience what seems like after shocks after an earthquake … quick surges of fear that stun me with its suddenness and strength. It makes me want to grab all three girls wherever we are and just hold them … and pretty much never let them go outside the relative safety of a 3-foot radius.

But I know responding to this fear would be bad for all of us. Gracie is still experiencing her own fear and anxiety. I am sure my eldest, Josie, is also still feeling tremors after experiencing the brokenness of our world.
So I force myself to let them be … let them go … let them live. It appears to be getting a tiny bit easier as the days go on, but not much. I am living with the confidence that it will eventually get easier — and that this is really the only choice that’s good for the girls. Isn’t it crazy that one of the hardest part of being a parent is letting our kids exist apart from us and our protection?

Thanks, in advance, for your prayers of peace. In the midst of a life that can be filled with terror, I am choosing peace. But it’s a choice I have to make every minute of every day. I pray that you will choose peace as well. And if you need help, ask the Prince of Peace to help you. He alone can give us the peace that passes all understanding. God bless and peace be to you.

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